Taking pride in who I am….

Ever since doing the interview about my sexuality which is featured in various places on the ‘net, I have felt an immense pride, not just within myself for finally being honest publicly about who I am, but in being gay.

When out and about, I notice gay people everywhere now, like I’ve acquired some hidden knowledge.  We seem to stand out like anaglyph images seen through those thin cardboard cyan and red 3D glasses which were given out free with cereal packets in my youth.

I may be walking through the town centre on a wet dreary afternoon and there are all these queer guys and girls, standing out in glorious technicolour.  They don’t know me and I don’t know them but we share an affinity, a community and I love that and for perhaps the first time ever, I feel honoured to be part of it as opposed to feeling apart from it.  It’s wonderful.

It’s weird though because I have never felt this emotion before.

I’ve always viewed my homosexuality as innate and random, so why feel pride in relation to it?  I mean, I’m hardly bursting with pride over being right-handed or having hazel eyes, two further attributes which I have no control over.

I don’t know why I feel as I do.  All I know is since taking the time to complete the survey, I’ve felt incredibly proud of my sexuality.  I’ve also found myself becoming quite emotional thinking about my life.  I’m sad for hiding who I am but I’m also happy because I no longer need to.

This thing which has hung over me, which has created such inner struggles and heartache, I now view as a gift.  Being gay isn’t a burden, it’s a freedom.  If you’d asked me before I talked to Ulla if I would change with regards being gay, I’d have had to think about it.  Ask me now and I’d say ‘NO WAY!‘

Going with the flow…

Earlier this week, I was in a village reasonably local to me conducting a traffic survey.  It was a back-breaking 12-hour shift and incredibly boring but we got two sizeable breaks and the money was good so it could have been worse.  I was there from 7am-7pm.  Luckily for me, I was situated near the shops and about 100 yards or so away was a public lavatory.  We had our first break at around 11am so the person I was working with and myself made our way to a little cafe and had a pot of tea between us.

The problem with drinking hot fluids on a very cold day is that it goes through you like a dose of salts and within 20 minutes or so I was heading to the urinals and again about 40 minutes after that and then twice more in the following hour and a half.  Our second break was around 4pm and yep, same thing happened again.  I found myself trudging off to the toilets only this time I wasn’t alone when I got there.

You know that feeling you get when you know something’s awry and you can’t work out why you think that?  I walked through the door and on the immediate right was the trough.  The sink was on my immediate left and there were two stalls further along on the right past the trough with a quite uninviting baby-changing facility on the wall opposite those.  The place absolutely reeked of the most acidic-smelling piss, the stench of shit not far behind in the olfactory stakes.

There were two men standing at either end of the trough.  It wasn’t a long urinal, there was really only enough room for one more person to fit between the people already there.  I personally didn’t fancy jostling to take a pee so went over to the first stall and as I did so, I noticed two sets of eyes following me.  I felt very uncomfortable indeed and because of that, found it difficult to actually go so by the time I’d undone my jeans, opened my fly, got the old chap out and managed to start urinating about a minute or so must have passed.

During this time, I heard no urine flowing in the trough next to me which I thought odd.  My initial reaction was that I was going to get attacked and robbed and this impeded my flow somewhat, it was coming out in dribbles even though I was desperate.  There was a strange silence next to me from the two men.  I could sense they were there but there was no sound whatsoever.  It was quite unnerving actually.  After what seemed like an age but in reality was probably no more than two minutes after I’d initially walked in, I finished.  I put everything away and walked back out.

The two men were still standing where they had been when I first saw them, they had their cocks out and could see they were grinning broadly.  They were half-turned to face me, their eyes boring a hole right through me.  It was then it dawned on me, these guys were there to play.  I felt no need to be there one second longer than I had to.  I washed my hands very quickly and got out of there.  As I did so, they both laughed and said something between themselves which I couldn’t make out.

I walked away and kept looking back but they didn’t emerge immediately, in fact it was nearly 20 minutes before they finally left and went their separate ways.  I was a little bit shaken up by it if I’m honest.  There was a sense of threat from them and what I can now see was an underlying sexual tension.  I don’t think they’d been there by accident, the toilet itself was more than likely a cottage and known for ‘homosexual activity.’

What surprised me was how brazen they were about it.  There was no way you could misconstrue their actions should you have chanced upon the place as I had, it doesn’t take 5 minutes to have a piss and even if it did, urine’s got to flow hasn’t it?  I’ve personally never had a problem with gay or bisexual men using public lavatories for sex and I don’t now.  What I’m a little uncomfortable with is the way I was made to feel by going in there.  It was an intimidating atmosphere.  I’m a gay man so it shouldn’t bother me right?  Wrong.

I can remember going to a bar in Brighton about 10 years or so ago with a gay pal who was just coming out.  It was called The Bulldog and men would rub themselves against you as you walked down to the toilets and that was a little disquieting at the time but I had made the decision to go into that environment so I couldn’t complain.  I hadn’t however chosen to go into that toilet with any motive other than needing to empty my bladder so it’s not unreasonable to be able to do that without being propositioned first.

It’s all about sex, baby!

It’s me again.  I entered into a discussion yesterday within a post I had written at Queerlife about Queer Chatrooms, where I decried the amount of sex-related talk that goes on in them.  The respondee (Graham) stated that being gay is ALL about sex and in a way he’s right, it is.  Announcing one’s homosexuality is stating the obvious, that you basically want to fuck someone of the same gender.

I got thinking about this.  When I looked in the mirror one morning while shaving and uttered those two immortal words to myself thus ending the charade once-and-for-all, in effect I was saying “I want to get naked with another guy.”  There’s no two ways around it is there?  I then wondered what people think of when they see or know someone who’s gay.  Let’s take someone who’s accepting of it right from the off.  Let’s say it’s a gal pal.  You tell her, she smiles and gives you a warm hug and the friendship gets taken immediately to a deeper, more intimate level.

You’re now sexual allies as well as the close friends you always were.  It’s all good.  You can discuss men as well as the usual raft of topics you had going to begin with.  You might meet on the bus coming home from work or in town and go off for a coffee and you’re now one of the girls, you giggle and it’s freer and easier around them.  Brilliant right?  Well, yeah it is.

What you’ve actually told this person, albeit in a semi-coded way, is that you want to get down-and-dirty with someone of your own gender.  You want the recipient of your sexual endeavours to possess a cock.  For someone as closeted as I have been, the reality of that can be quite daunting as you’re, in some ways, no longer the jovial friend who’s never had a girlfriend and seemed rather standoffish and perhaps a touch asexual in their demeanour.  You’re now a fully-fledged sexual being complete with lusts and passions relating to others.

After you’ve been out for a while, you can still smile inwardly at your “Being Gay Is Okay” magnet peering out at you from the refrigerator door, or wear your naff “I’m Not Gay But My Boyfriend Is” t-shirt at the local pride event while simultaneously waving your Rainbow flags and blowing your pink plastic whistles.  You can sing badly at karaoke down the local gay pub or club.  However, your statement of intent expressed outwardly to yourself then to others is clear and unequivocal … you want to drain your balls into someone who has a set of their own!!!!  Being gay is all about sex.

Thank you Graham xx

Coming out and staying out….

When I was contacted by the lovely Ulla (whom I feel I’ve known far longer than the month or so we’ve been in contact) to Do The Interview, I was aware that this would be made public and for just about the first time ever, I’ve felt perfectly at ease with this knowledge being ‘out there’ and have no problem with it at all.

There’s something definite about stating your intent with regards your sexuality and it being published, in whatever form that takes.  Yes I could have asked Ulla not to put it up or asked a little later for it to be taken down but even then I’d still made the leap from closet case to something else entirely.  It felt like an entire process was occurring.  There was, in a sense, no going back from that point on.  It really felt like I’d lifted the lid on an emotional Jack-In-A-Box, ie, better out than in.

I’ve come out before and I’ve always gone back into the closet and I’ve often wondered why.  I think partly because I made this being gay business into far more than it actually is.  Yeah so I dig guys but seriously it’s not all that, is it?  I still do the mundane things everyone else does in my day-to-day life, the only exception is that I am romantically/emotionally/sexually attracted to my own gender but in this day and age, loads of us are and we’re out there living it, so why worry at all?  If I chose to go back into the closet yet again, all I’d do is waste more time and this thing isn’t going to go away, so seriously what would be the point?

There are however differences in place this time.  The first and main difference is that for just about the first time ever I am perfectly comfortable with being gay, with fancying men.  Plus I no longer have those feelings of shame which kept me closeted for so long and I don’t know where those horrid fears have gone.  In the past coming out has been more to stem the mounting pressure taking place within me than actually being emotionally honest.  Another thing which is different is the fact I came out to myself to begin with.  In times gone by, I’ve come out to others and not to myself so it’s really little wonder that I ended up hiding out for as long as I have done.

Another big difference is the sheer quality of friends that I have around me this time, people who support me 100% and are enabling me to be who I am.  I’ve never had so many wonderful people in my life before.  Genuine true friends.  There’s not a single person that I don’t want to be there.  Maybe there is some truth in the old adage that you need to love yourself before you can truly be loved by others.  Today, I really value the person I am and this is mirrored by the quality of friends I have in my life.  I’m really very blessed.

So, I’m out and staying out.  I like the feeling of being able to be myself, to not have to lie, cheat and connive my way through life.  I can stand up and categorically state my preferences to the world without having to blur the edges.  Not everyone’s going to like it and I may end up losing so called friends and family members but that’s okay.  Why?  Because I like myself and the person I’m becoming.

I won’t apologise if that appears arrogant or self-centred, I have to be selfish where this is concerned.  I have to own what it is I’m feeling so I can move forward honestly, both internally and externally.  If anyone’s reading this and wonders what it’s like to no longer be closeted and afraid lest the truth somehow finds its way out, let me tell you that there’s no greater place and no better feeling.  Don’t just take my word for it, COME on OUT and see for yourself.

Like it? I love it!!!!

Even though I’ve spent the best part of 30-something years trying not to be gay, I’m actually glad that I am.  When I was a small boy, I used to wrap Mum’s candlewick bedspread around me and pretend I was the Queen of Sheba (okay okay I know how gay that sounds!) and thought nothing of it.

I learned however that what I did (in terms of dressing up) and how I soon realised I felt was ‘wrong’ in terms of the church school I attended and the wider world in their views on ‘homosexuals.’  I didn’t know what these homosexuals did, all I knew was I loved seeing them about and was fascinated by any programme on tv or article that featured them.

Looking back and with the great benefits of hindsight, I can see that I never had any issue with being gay in and of itself, it was what others thought and felt which has influenced me so.  I actually have always loved being gay.  By that, I don’t mean only the sexual part of being gay.  I mean I’m glad I’m gay even when I’m doing mundane tasks like household chores or sitting on the front step smoking a cigarette or simply just laying in bed reading a book or listening to music.

I hear a lot of gay men and lesbians who say that they’re glad they were born gay, that they wouldn’t change who they are for anything.  We have the added burdens of realising that we feel differently in relation to our sexualities.  We all go through the process of coming out.  We may face alienation and possible ostracism from friends and family plus we’re still fighting for our place in this world and for certain basic inalienable rights.

You’d think all of these things would count against us being comfortable in who we are but it doesn’t seem to at all.  I don’t know many out gay people who would wish to be anything else and I’m one of them.  Does this sense of pride come from seeing gay people march through a city or the fact we’re part of an ever-growing and visible community?  I don’t think so.  I have a feeling this state of being is in every single one of us (gay or straight) it’s just more prevalent in those who have had to fight to gain a sense of it.

Chatrooms…

What is it with gay chatrooms?  They are some of the most intimidating and unfriendly places on the ‘net in my opinion.  There’s something about gay chat which I’ve never understood and I’ve been in so many now that I feel I’m able to talk without relying too heavily on generalisations.

On every gay site I’ve used that has a chat facility, there are lists of rooms that are available (30’s, 40’s, 50’s, Coming Out, Advice etc etc) yet in all honesty, they might as well all just be called Hook-up and Get Laid or You Can Come In and Say Hi But We’ll Completely Ignore You Until You Leave or We’re Just Going To Check Out The Profile By Clicking Your Name and If We Don’t Feel You’re Up To Much We’ll Not Bother Chatting To You.

Having read Ulla’s post (which is here) about actually chatting with a lesbian in an online chat, I wondered why we, as gay men, seem unable to do the same.  I remember when I first came online in 2001 there were hundreds of chats to choose from in msn and I spent a very happy 2 or so years attending chat, meeting new people and there was a real sense of solidarity among us.  Some of these people I’m still in contact with today.  Isn’t the purpose of chat to actually chat?

I’m gay.  That’s the term bestowed upon me due to how I feel in relation to my romantic/emotional/sexual feelings but it’s not the sum total of my being.  In there is an intellect, a personality, a sense of humour, hopefully compassion, acceptance, empathy and a whole load more so why is that a LOT of gay people seem to think that if someone isn’t their type that they’re not worth knowing or if they’re not doing something to their genitals or someone else’s, that they’re somehow missing out?

I used to have mixed feelings towards the term ‘gay’ because it seemed to place an inordinate amount of emphasis on sexuality and what ‘we’ get upto in bed but now I wonder whether there is indeed something to it because everywhere I look in the gay media is a heavy reliance on sex, sexuality, sex tips and techniques.  Yes, we’re gay.  We enjoy fucking but it’s not all we are surely?!?!?!?!?!?

Let’s say the average gay man has sex three times a week for an hour apiece, that’s still leaves 165 hours a week doing other things.  A third of that time will be taken up by sleeping, another third by work and I bet there’s more time spent grooming and showering/bathing within that week than by actually having sex so why is there so much emphasis placed on it?  *sigh*

The burden of effeminacy….

I bumped into someone yesterday (I’ve just noticed it’s gone midnight) who I haven’t seen in about 6 years.  He looked the same as ever.  He’s short, fat and very very camp.  He must be in his mid-50’s now but he’s always looked that way and I’ve known him about 10 years now.

He is man-mad and while I was talking to him he was eyeing up some Polish builders and making it very plain at that.  “Ooooh he’s nice” he said then looking at another “ooooh (a flick of his very limp wrist towards the object of his attentions) I wouldn’t kick him out of bed in a hurry” and so on and so forth.  They would have easily heard him but he was unperturbed as always

He’s openly gay and doesn’t give a damn what others think of him.  He’s known to all and sundry in the gay community.  While I was talking with him a butch spiky-haired lesbian walked by and he said “oh hello dearie” and she smiled and said “hello love, how are you?” and they exchanged pleasantries before she went on her way.

Even though he’s shaped like an egg, is balding, has very chubby cheeks and a belly that hangs over his belt, he’s always been popular with the young ‘uns on the scene and in fact had just come out of a 6 month ‘highly charged’ relationship with a 28 year old Pole … he made quite a few relevant jokes about the Pole’s pole, well you get the gist I’m sure.

I’ve often wondered if his effeminacy has been a blessing or a curse.  On some levels it must have been a blessing in disguise because I don’t think he ever had to formally come out.  Yet in other ways, it must have been a curse because his sexuality is so obvious to others and I know he’s taken a fair amount of stick for it, working as he does in a quite laddish environment.

I admire him though, I think he carries a burden yet does so with grace, steely determination and masses of good humour.  He’s a character and we need people like him in life.

Who would wear this?

I think even at a Pride celebration this t-shirt would be deemed a tad risqué…

A bit too full-on methinks

I saw this design at eBay and contemplated buying it then reason and common sense kicked in and I thought better of it.  I like it though, smutty old queen that I am!!!!