Following on from this post at Ulla’s blog, I too now have a thumb ring. Admittedly, it was going to be for one of the fingers on my left hand but because of the limited sizes available, it’s now adorning my left thumb and here it is:-
I also have a pinkie ring on the left hand (ever an indicator of gayness or so I’m told!) and another with a kind of faux Celtic Knot design on my right hand. What is it with gays and rings? I don’t know but I kinda like it.
I have this blog and then one attached to my website and haven’t been sure what to do with either so what I’ve come up with is all the stuff which is directly related to my coming out and then getting on with life I shall put at the weebly blog and everything else pertaining to my life, all the generalities, will go here.
I spent time in Australia both last year and this and I still have a sense of loyalty to it. I often find myself on Aus-based gay sites just looking through the galleries, the listings, the people, the places, the bars etc etc because I guess I wasn’t out or accepting of who I was when there and the atmosphere of the place would certainly have been condusive to that kind of enquiry, so I go online and dip into that world every now and then.
It was while looking on a site the other day, I came across the face of a young lesbian and underneath her picture it said something along the lines of “RIP, we love and miss you very much” and I don’t know why but I’ve just had this burning need to find out who she was but where does one start and why would I want to do it? There’s just something about her demeanour in the pic, about the confidence in who she is which is drawing me to find out more. There’s a quiet confidence, she’s comfortable in her own skin. Maybe because for so long I wasn’t? I don’t know.
A similar thing happened about 2 years ago. I was on the ‘net and really getting into photography. I saw a grouping of photos taken by a particular agency (can’t remember which one now) and one of them was a gay man covered in Karposi’s Sarcoma in the final stages of AIDS, I think he died the next day or so. There’s something about the way he’s looking at the camera which I can’t define.
I had to then find everything I could about him. There was very little out there though I discovered his name was Ken and I did manage to read an interview he gave where he talked about coming out as gay, moving away from where he lived, getting the diagnosis and then having to undergo horrendous radiotherapy treatment to try and burn the disease away. It was when I don’t think they knew how to treat it and just threw everything known to humankind at it.
I’m very drawn to people’s faces, especially the eyes. My mum says that the eyes are the windows to the soul and that “what you are is on your face” and I kinda haul with that. When I see a photo of someone who’s no longer here, I get a very deep sense of connection with them. Maybe I’m looking to see if there’s anything within the shot that tells of any future ill-health/pain but of course there isn’t.
I then go through a “why?” phase where I rail at the futility and the randomness of all the crap stuff that happens to others. Then I just feel sad for the person and for myself, that I’m healthy and why am I okay when they aren’t when all they wanted to do was go out there and live life like everyone else? Why have they been struck down? I then think about the fact I’m walking about and they’re not and that, for a while, we both shared the same air, looked into the same sky, wished on the same moon.
I think the last thing I feel and especially when I see anyone in the gay community afflicted in any way, is the fact that I have wasted a good deal of time fighting myself, time which won’t ever be got back. Then I see these people who were brave enough to face up to their sexualities and identities, who probably took shit from others but held onto what they believed was right, went out there and grabbed life, a life which has now ebbed away while wastrels such as myself were out there being miserable and wishing they could just dig a hole and die. I’m now out of my hole and they’re in theirs.
Life can be horribly cruel sometimes.
Growing up, I learned to fake interest in women sexually so would watch straight guys and how their eyes travelled when espying a ‘fit’ woman then I would do the same when out and about. I was trying to fake it to make it, or not make it as was the case with me. Well actually that’s not entirely true, I did ‘you know’ a few times – NEVER AGAIN!!!!!
Anyhow, I was in town yesterday with a friend and we stopped outside the local shopping mall to have a sit down and a cigarette, yeah yeah I know I’m supposed to have stopped but this quaint old fag needed a fag (!) so I relented.
It was a warm and sunny day and people were out in summer clothes. I became aware of myself noticing the men, a lot of them in shorts and t-shirts, only I had proper feelings commensurate with that. There was nothing idle about my show of interest as had been the case with women.
I was getting butterflies, it was lovely. I spent so long fighting and denying myself and now I can actually allow myself to enjoy the sight of a good looking man and feel no shame whatsoever, just lots of nice tingly feelings. I’m enjoying my burgeoning self.
I came out to a family member tonight. Her reaction after me telling her I was gay was a nervous laugh and “no you’re not” then a slight pause before asking “are you?” “Yes” I replied. “You’re not Bi maybe?” “Nope.” “Okay” she said then stood there a little shocked. The fear’s always there when I come out and this time was no different.
We talked about it further after the initial uneasiness. She said she didn’t feel it necessary that I tell anyone else, that I should just get on with life as it’s really no one else’s business what I do and knowing my family, I think she’s right. I’d like to be totally out to them but it will cause difficulties and I don’t want that. In time, maybe I’ll confide in others but for now, I’m happy knowing I have one ally in the midst.
I was contacted by Ulla Kelly via one of the comments boxes here to go along and Do The Interview which I duly did. The end result of which can be found here.
Reading and re-reading what I wrote I feel an immense pride, not just within myself for finally being honest publicly about who I am, but in being gay.
It’s weird, I have never felt this emotion before.
I’ve always viewed my homosexuality as innate and random, so why feel pride in relation to it? I mean, I’m hardly bursting with pride over being right-handed or having hazel eyes.
I don’t know why but since taking the above survey, I’ve felt incredibly proud of my sexuality. I’ve also found myself becoming quite emotional thinking about my life, I’ve got tears in my eyes now as I write this. I’m sad for hiding who I am but I’m also happy because I no longer need to.
This thing which has hung over me, which has created such inner struggles and heartache, I now view as a gift. Being gay isn’t a burden, it’s a freedom. If you’d asked me yesterday if I would change with regards being gay, I’d have had to think about it. Ask me now and I’d say ‘NO WAY!‘
Thanks Ulla.
Last night I was out with a couple of friends. One of them came out during a conversation to a couple who were sitting nearby and the reaction seemed good so I too came out, as much for myself as to show solidarity to my friend.
On the surface, both seemed really cool about it but under closer scrutiny, I could sense quite a bit of homophobia from both but mostly from the bloke. I would rather people say they hated me for being gay than say one thing and actually think/feel something different entirely.
He said that gay ’sex acts’ between men were ‘not nice’ and seemed to believe that all gay men have anal sex yet had no problems talking about having anal sex with his wife, something which he clearly enjoyed.
His wife on the other hand seemed to think I would be the ‘male’ partner in a gay relationship because I wasn’t in any way camp or effeminate. In fact, because I’m not ‘affected’ as her husband termed it, she found it hard to believe that I was gay in the first place. She said I’d need to find someone feminine to create a sense of balance in my love life. It was really fucked up stuff.
The chap then asked me if I’d had any bad relationships with women which had made me ‘want to go and try out sex with men.’ I said no but he remained unconvinced. I also noticed defensiveness in his body language, with tightly crossed arms and legs.
The woman then turned her attention on my friend and kept calling her Poppett and saying that she felt scared for her because she was very young (18) to be going out into the world self-identifying as lesbian.
I found it all rather patronising if I’m honest. What messed up minds some people have.
I thought I’d mention that my Mum is now perfectly okay with me being gay. It’s no longer an issue. We’re able to talk about it like it’s the most natural thing in the world. There’s no anger, no nastiness, no little jibes. She accepts that it’s a part of who I am though not all I am and because of that, we’re getting on better than ever. It’s wonderful.
If you’re reading this W, this entry is for you.
While in Sydney earlier this year, I frequented an Italian restaurant near to the hotel where I was staying. W worked there with his brother and he was incredibly comfortable in his own skin and I noticed that he was also gay.
I felt an immediate affinity with him. It’s only been very recently that I’ve come to the realisation that I’m gay but looking back, it’s always been gay men who have had the greatest impact upon me as a person. I’d find myself thinking about them, replaying conversations over and over yet because I must have buried the sexual part deep within my psyche, I never really read much into it. It was always there is what I’m saying.
W was extremely comfortable in who he is and that made me a trifle uneasy, I guess because there was a large part of me which was being denied. I’m ever so glad though that I wasn’t one of those gay-hating closet cases. Defending the rights of gay people as well as other human rights issues and those of our animal friends, has long been a part of who I am and will continue to be so.
I think though looking back, I knew that I was like W. Here was someone out there, living life and not giving two hoots what others thought of him. I admired that. When I got back home, I contacted W occasionally, I just wanted to keep in contact. I now know why though at the time, I thought it was merely because he was friendly and I enjoyed frequenting the restaurant. I think the lid was coming off the jack-in-a-box even then.
Well, with all that’s happened to me personally over the past little while I knew I had to contact W again and tell him what’s been going on for me. If I’m honest, I expected either to be blanked or a message come back saying “look mate, I hardly know you at all, what’s all this about?” I got neither. Instead I got a wonderfully supportive reply.
I hope you and I can maintain contact W, not just because you understand a lot of what I’m feeling because you too have gone through the coming out process but because I like you fella, I like you a LOT. Thanks for everything you’ve done, it’s greatly appreciated.
I’d like to say a BIG thank you to my good friend N who has been wonderfully supportive of me since I came out to her this past week. I said I’d mention you didn’t I? I’ve gone with ‘N’ as the code, subtle isn’t it? NOT! lol
I met N in 2007 and instantly felt a rapport. I was staying somewhere and was completely terrified if I’m honest as I felt myself to be someone not really worth knowing.
There was a communal room where people ate, relaxed, watched tv etc etc and it was there we met and began chatting. Not only did she take away any nerves I might have had, she made me feel like I was someone as opposed to how I’ve often felt, as something.
Thank you.
I won’t go into all the ins and outs and the whys and wherefores of the time we’ve known one another, what I will say is that’s she trusted and true. I could tell her anything and, whatever her feelings were about it, she’d remain on my side.
She’s totally non-judgmental, good humoured, intelligent, the list goes on really. I’m honoured to know her and to be able to say she’s a friend. She’s helped me immeasurably with my confidence and I know I wouldn’t be as comfortable with myself as I am now, without her input.
Thank you N for everything you are and all that you’ve done, are doing and will continue to do for me and everyone else who’s fortunate enough to know you. The world is a brighter, warmer, friendlier place for having you in it.
I love ya xxxxxx
Recent Comments